"That First Stain Ep. 9"
Updated: Mar 18, 2023
Keelah paced restlessly back and forth across her quarters aboard the Valley Forge as she progressed her log entry, "I have decided - after great deliberation - to record my feelings on recent events solely in my personal log.; having concluded that filing official reports will serve no purpose beyond extending the suffering of those who already feel the burden of their actions weigh down on them."
She takes a deep breath before continuing, "This is in reference to our recent mission which saw us join the USS Fletcher for the return of one hundred stasis pods to the Dominion. All had been arranged and our orders were clear, having escorted the task force from DS13 to DS9 I opted to join the many command staff continuing on the second leg of the mission through the wormhole - after all it's a rare opportunity these days to meet a representative of the Dominion and I was eager for the experience."
"All had gone well enough until the impromptu arrival of third - unidentified - vessel who's commander was quick to establish contact with us and plea for mercy in not seeing through our business with the Dominion. His ship was small and under powered; scarcely a threat to a Runabout, let alone the Fletcher or the Dominion battle cruiser sat off our bow. If the condition of his ship - coupled with it's defiant presence - wasn't enough to spell out their desperation, his hail was. My heart instantly went out to him and his people - clearly having suffered greatly at the hands of the Dominion. But this was not my ship, not my mission and not my command. I was simply there as an observer and had no place to intervene in the events that followed... right?"
Keelah continues to pace as she pauses her dialogue for thought, "After making his initial plea to us the alien was held back for a discussion among the bridge staff - unwise in my view since we had not even extended him the courtesy of an introduction, let alone a detailed explanation of his troubles. As the other Captain's present debated with a fierce prejudice towards self preservation and mission completion, I highlighted to the mission commander - Captain Konieczko - that we should at least listen to what the alien had to say, and learn why he felt justified in the obvious and desperate risk to himself at approaching our two vessels. But alas... this fell on deaf ears; I do not know why, but our immediate response to the alien was to warn him away under the threat of vioence - and of course, having seen us to be no better than his Dominion oppressors he quickly turned tail to flee... not that the Dominion would allow him such luxury as they fired and disintigrated the relatively defenseless ship."
She sighs heavily, rubbing her eyes, "I understand the Dmitri was in an impossible position and acted as he thought best. As an observer to the mission - and a friend and colleague to him - it was not my place to openly dispute his orders on the bridge... and that is the burden I must now bear. For one to act with the best intentions and fail is one thing, but for one to fail to act... that is something everyone on that bridge was guilty of."
"Maybe things would not have turned out any differently, but then... maybe they would. Why did I not try harder to make him see reason - to remind him of our duty as Starfleet officers? Perhaps I am still too accustomed to /not/ counting among the ranking officers in such situations... or perhaps I am simply reaching to justify my own level of inaction. Whatever the case; what's done is done and can not be undone; something we must all do now is find a way to consolidate our feelings on these events."
Keelah finally kneels in front of her meditation lamp, speaking in a softer voice, "The solemn mood hung across the entire crew during our return trip. I found many of my colleagues afterwards seeking solace at Quark's whilst awaiting our task force's return to DS13 - whilst I joined them there, I was in no mood for socializing. I could feel the anger and the guilt burning through my insides; anger at the Dominion for killing the innocent; anger at Dmitri for turning them away so abruptly... and anger at myself for letting it all happen. Fortunately for me; Woadie still had my old 'meditation' holoprogram as he used to fondly call it during my previous time at DS9, and this seemed a desirable outlet for my emotions of the day so I excused myself from present company and locked myself in a holosuite"
She smiles softly, "The looks on people's face when I returned from what they assumed was a serene meditation wearing head to toe combat armour and covered with scrapes and bruises was entertaining. Having released my emotional buildup I shared a glass or two of vodka with Dmitri, to whom I quicly explained the the meditation program was just a fun name that Woadie gave it. When I had previously been stationed on DS9 I was still in a period of great mourning and emotional strife, and so found the most fruitful - and generally safest - release for my pent up emotion was a combat simulator; pure unadultered front line chaos. Given my past tendency to walk into that program with emotions breaking the surface, then return in a more serene and controlled form, Woadie fondly dubbed it my 'meditation' program."
Laughing softly, "Addendum; I must remember to transfer the credit's to Hadron for the damage caused to his holosuite!"
"Following this; I opted to keep the Valley Forge docked for a little longer after our task force left. As we had watched the unknown alien vessel blow up, I found myself saying a prayer for the souls on board - an uncharacteristically spiritual move for me - one which I can only attribute to my time spent earlier in the day revisiting the Vedek's on board the station who once patiently guided me through my troubles. During these extended hours in the region, I again revisited the Bajoran spiritual leaders and meditated - properly - on these events. Whilst I do not share their religious beliefs, I do find their spiritual clarity to be... calming. Throughout the night we sat and prayed again for the souls lost in the Gamma Quadrant that day."
"I am of course still troubled, but just as everyone else who bore witness to the gross lapse in Starfleet conduct I will learn and grow from this. After all, the blood of the innocent is one of the hardest stains to cleanse and it now adorns my new white shoulders. Computer; end log"

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