"Just a Girl Ep. 5"

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles. If you know yourself but not the enemy, for every victory gained you will also suffer a defeat. If you know neither the enemy nor yourself, you will succumb in every battle...”

That is the line Captain Bishop quoted from this book he lent me 'The Art of War', written by a 6th Century strategist of ancient Earth called Sun Tzu. He first made reference to it when I was invited by Captain Keelah to join them for dinner after I reached out to her looking to start afresh, given that the other me had fond memories of her time aboard the Valley Forge and seemed to hold her CO in high regard. I had hoped for, perhaps, a quiet meeting - a little informal chat in her ready room if I was lucky, sort of like the sit down I had before with Captain Bishop when I asked to interview with him for my paper on the Borg attack. I... did not expect to join the family for dinner, though Captain Keelah explained that being of similar age to her daughter that she thought it might be nice for us to meet - and T'Pia really is great too, so no arguments there! I think though, that she also wanted to give us the chance that I was hoping for, and felt that - given her history with the other me - a more personal approach would feel more accommodating for me, a point I certainly could not dispute!

But yeah, so... Captain Bishop and I, well... we kiiiiiind of turned Captain Keelah's dining table into a strategic condiment war map - totally his fault, not mine! I was just so caught up taking on his additional insights regarding the additional factors to the engagement that were discounted from my paper; evolving & changing dynamics & environmental conditions. I see why they were kept back, as my paper was all about the opening strategy, and these factors were unknown at the commencement! Anyway after he quoted this ancient text, he recommended it as potentially fruitful extra reading for me given my career path and specialty. And though the words rang true in terms of the flow of information throughout the engagement, and the ever changing circumstances that require constant recalculation and adaption. Even after reading even more of this fascinating ancient philosopher's work, I keep coming back to this first quoted passage. I am in Starfleet training so that I may one day hope to say I know my enemy. I was expected to start out as an inexperienced officer who knew herself, but not the enemy. But do I truly know myself? Can I honestly make that claim given all that has transpired? And if I can't, then will I ever last long enough to know myself and the enemy...?

A long sigh follows, leading to an even longer silent pause before she continues

Why is it, ever since waking up I've felt it was too soon to write a personal log, like I still had to get my thoughts straight first... Rianni chuckles get 'my' thoughts straight, truer words were surely never spoken! But yeah, all this time it's felt too soon and now, when I finally feel ready to sit down and record a personal log it feels like I've waited waaaay too long and now there's too much to squeeze in! So I guess working through things in sequence sort of makes sense, and that starts with my trip back home... no, computer delete last sentence and continue recording.Wait, was that recorded too?she groans delete that last one too! And tha-...another exasperated groan nevermind, just... continue recording! Now where was I... oh right, yes! Ok well I can't really start at the beginning without touching on the visit I had before I departed - Zee... she sighs - arguably the most problematic aspect of my having to deal with these inherited memories. Now to be clear, I do not have anything against her, or hold anything against her for what happened with her and the other me. I don't blame either of them really, I remember her feelings for Zee, I know they cared for each other deeply and brought each other a great deal of happiness. That... just made things harder for me though. With my conscious decision to separate myself from the other me so far as I can, I knew straight away that I could not afford to even think on her relationships with people; even Zee. So yes, I had to break them up. I think she suspected that would be the case when she came to visit, not that that made it any easier for either of us. I just hope... well maybe, one day, she and I might be able to start afresh and forge a new friendship. But only time will tell now, until then I just hope she is ok...

But then the trip home, yes! It was super scary seeing my family again, knowing that Starfleet had already debriefed them on my situation. I was soooo scared, and the whole trip there it was a constant fight to not dwell and grow angry over memories of the other me being near them. But then... then I saw mum and dad and Danete, and in that one moment eeeeeverything felt better again. We hugged, we cried. Well, me and mum cried - mum aaaalways cries - ok, maybe I do too... But I swear it was the most liberating feeling I could ever possibly imagine; to be in my family's arms again - to hold them in my arms. In that moment, for the first time since waking up; I KNEW everything was going to be OK. We had the best time back home too - Danete's grown up soooo much, she's almost as tall as me now! And yes, that may not be saying much. But it's a lot to me!

Anyway, part of my trip was visiting Lieutenant Burke's family. Counselor Sedai was right; though it was painful going back through all the faces in the Gainsborough's roster to find out who he was, it was totally worth it! They replied to my letter while I was travelling back to Sol and - though understandably shocked and a little in disbelief - they were very keen to meet me and hear what I had to say. So we all took a trip over to Earth for a couple of days and met with Jon's parents. It was very sad talking with them (yeeees I cried more...), but they took me to a memorial they had on the family lot which had been dedicated to him. It wasn't much I know, but it really felt like finally being able to acknowledge him there - to thank him properly for all he did in those final moments - was what I needed. Though sometimes his face still haunts my attempts to sleep, I know now he is more at rest having met with his family and honoured his memory with them, so can now only trust that time will heal the remaining wounds there.

I did meet with my old instructors back in San Francisco as part of this trip too, and after explaining my reasoning to them; they were... understanding and sympathetic to my reasons for wanting to return to continue my studies at DS13 instead of San Fran. Since coming back, I have found a new resolve and continue to apply this to everything. I try to talk freely about it all with people too, as it almost seems like the more I do so; the better I understand it myself. And, well... everyone seems really impressed by it, and I mean like, REALLY impressed. It's seriously getting scary just how thick people are laying on the praise! I keep telling myself that they do so more out of pity at knowing what I'm working through, as an attempt to raise my spirits and encourage my positive action. But still... hearing such confident talk from so many different senior officers - ship CO's no less - saying what a fine officer I'll make one day, and how they'd welcome me on their bridge when I graduate... it is difficult to accept such praise, no matter how rooted in sympathy it may be.

Now, I am confident in my decision, and believe it is what I would have always done. But... was it? Before the Gainsborough I was by no means struggling in class, and though I've made a conscious decision now to be the best possible officer I can be, can I truly be sure that it is all me? I mean, I know I am really, REALLY trying to use what I remember from the other me to help me become better at my job, but what if more of her is seeping through? What if I'm no longer the me I remember being; because I am certainly no longer the happy-go-lucky, laid back, out-to-enjoy-life girl that I was when I joined the Academy. Yet, I am most DEFINITELY not the ass-kicking, super-hacking infiltrator that the other me was. No, I know I am something new, something different to either of these. I am still the old Rianni, but this resolve, this... determination. Does it come from a deep-seeded part of me that was just previously untapped, or did I inherit more than memories from the other me...? I do not know myself, is she a part of me know? Is she... the enemy? Am I myself AND my enemy?

NO! I am none of these things! I am not the hard working cadet my instructors now see nor the eager strategist the senior officers see. I am not the pitiful girl who fights to prove herself worthy of her uniform everyday, to prove worthy to herself. And I am certainly not the Observer! No... I am none of these things, yet I am all of these things. I am just a girl...

Computer; end log.